How do you eat potato chips in a
cinema quietly?
There seems to be enough self-incriminatory anti-social evidence on this
site to put me in the league of some great world leaders already, what with self-confessed
inappropriate parking and secret cinema picnics, but this interesting question cropped up
today (while we were in the library) and we felt it deserved enough of our attention to
dissect the intricacies of such a clandestine operation as eating potato chips in a cinema
or library or any other quiet place for that matter.
Let's face it, potato chips have to be one of the most noisy food
invented. They come in this crinkly foil bag most times that just doesn't want to
quit. It's bad enough trying to get it open, the more you try to do it quietly, the
louder it protests and the longer drawn the task of opening that simple bag of chips gets.
And to quote dad on this one: "they don't make them like they used to".
I remember the good old days when bags of chips sprang open at the slightest touch
(only to reveal the soggy, soft chips that were the product of that poor sealing process),
but those were EASY TO OPEN. Now we need nothing short of a power saw to get to
these darn chips! Is this some sort of child-protection device to keep us away from
us eating ourselves silly?
OK, so now we've decided on the two best options for unbagging chips:
firstly the brutal method. Grab bag and rip apart, not paying heed to the 2% risk
that the whole bag may give way and send chips flying four seats away in the cinema
(believe me it's happened before). This method is quick and although produces HECK
of a lot of noise, lasts only about 5 seconds: 2 seconds to grab the bag in a firm power
grip (moderate amount of noise) two more seconds to brace yourself and make a quick check
for elbow room and one last second to go for it. Surprisingly, most of the noise
actually comes from the preparation bit and the ripping bit is actually rewardingly crisp
and rather quiet. Of course if you elbow your neighbours in the process things may
take an ugly turn.
Second method is recommended for ninjas, cutthroats or anyone with a sharp
blade. The rest is obvious. Advice: don't get arrested.
But it DOESN'T END THERE. So you now have your bag of chips open,
and only making the occasional crinkle every time you reach into the bag and you think
you're home free right? WRONG. Each time you munch on that chip, envious ears
within a four seat radius can clearly hear which one of your molars was responsible.
I bet you'd never thought of that huh? Me neither until I had to sit next to
Yee Sze and his bag of Sea Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips (which incidentally is one of the
funkiest tasting chips I've ever had) for an hour or so. We cracked our brains for
the next fifteen minutes, pausing in between mouthfuls of chips to decide what was the
best way to do it and realised that we needed to put our knowledge of anatomy to practical
use for the first time in five years...
We managed to arrive at four ways of eating chips: firstly, crunch
with mouth open, crumbs flying. High scoring on the satisfaction scale with the most
ventilation, but awfully indiscreet. Secondly, mouth closed and munch. Pretty
good for small chips, not recommended for big chips unless you've got a mouth-span like
Jacintha. We though hard and far for this next method and realised that most of the
remaining crunch came from sound escaping from the NOSE! That's right, pinch nose ,
close mouth and crunch! Very discreet if you have a hand to spare, but not very
convenient otherwise. The last method was tested and gave the best results,
retaining nearly 80% of the crunch for your personal enjoyment and yours alone. This
method requires some degree of manual dexterity, and involves closing off your mouth, nose
and EARS (bet you didn't remember that your mouth was connected to your ears!). The
best posture we could come up with was one thumb in each ear, and little fingers pinching
nose on each side. Munch away, chipster!
- Yuen Ho & Yee Sze
